I have trichotollomania, or "trich" for short. It's an obsessive condition, which varies greatly in intensity - but no one really seems to know what it is. So, I'm going to talk about what it is, why people have it, my personal coping mechanisms, what it's like to live with "trich" and beg that somebody explain how to fill in eyebrows while I grow mine back.
And now we discuss what "trich" really is. Trichotillomania also goes by trichotillosis and hair pulling disorder, and is the compulsive urge to pull out (and sometimes eat) your own hair, leading to noticeable hair loss, distress, social or functional impairment. My personally "pulling patches" are the crown of my head, my eyebrows, my nasal hair and occasionally my pubic hair and eyelashes. Other common areas for other sufferers include legs, arms and hands. It is an impulse control disorder and is very difficult to treat. Although anyone can be a trichotillomaniac, most people develop it between the ages of nine and thirteen. I personally started pulling at my eyelashes when I was around eleven, and I began pulling at my hair when I was in year eight, after I lost some hair due to a head wound. Only recently have I begun to obsessively pull my eyebrows (which used to be really full) and my pubic hair. It may be triggered by depression or stress, and due to social implications mostly goes unreported. It is more common in women than men. Some people with trich pull large handfuls at a time, whilst others pull strand by strand. Some inspect the strand, and about half the people with the condition put the strand in their mouths. Some people are aware of their pulling, others have virtually no idea that they are doing it until it is too late.
One of the hardest things about living with trich is the reactions you get. If a character in a book or film is pulling out their own hair, chances are that they are in a rage, and they are probably not a very nice character, either. From my own experience, people can't understand why you might pull out your own hair, and they wonder why you don't just stop. They don't understand how overwhelming the urge to pull is. If I'm on my laptop and I'm not typing quickly (like I'm doing now) then I'm pulling at my hair. Even if my hands are occupied - say I'm holding a pencil - I subconsciously run it through my hair and over my scalp. I have other compulsive habits, such as nail biting and chewing the little lumps inside my lips. When forced to stop, my hands run anxiously around each other and I often begin pinching knuckles, I fight so hard to not pull.
Why don't I just stop? It's obsessive. It can be linked to depression, anxiety or obsessive compulsive disorder - but the fact remains that it is actually a part of my brain chemistry. It's like turning a straight person to turn gay, or vice versa.
The stigma attached to hair pulling is often more difficult than the trichotillomania itself. It's embarrassing to have no eyebrows, I feel ashamed at my lack of self control. Mostly, though, it's concern over what others will think that causes these emotions. And it's so hurtful to assume that I have a choice in the matter. I look in a mirror and I examine my patchy eyebrows, in the fashion shots I took here I had to edit my parting because it got significantly wider where I pulled. I'm scared to upload this post, because I'm scared you'll think I'm insane and never read again. I'm scared. Why don't I stop? I can't. As if I could. As if I want this.
I personally don't pull enough from my scalp to wear a wig, but I do have other ways to hide things. For instance, after I pulled out my eyebrows pretty badly, I used my fringe to cover one and because I couldn't hide both, I wore a massive bow in my hair to distract attention. I'm considering cutting in a full fringe, just so that I can hide both eyebrows at once, but to be that feels like giving in. I also have coping mechanisms.
I didn't start this blog to combat trichotillomania (I don't think I knew what it was when I started blogging) but typing long posts very quickly in between work has been helpful because unlike writing, typing uses both hands. I also doodle. I have always been a doodler, but now I make sure I carry a sketch pad to class so that I can utilise paper immediately, without mucking up my Geography notes or whatever. I've moved the tweezers from by my bed, because I've found that I absent mindedly use them to pull at my eyebrows, but it's more difficult to stop head hair pulling because you use your fingers for that one. Sometimes, if it is really bad, I paint my nails. This not only takes up both of my hands to do, but also, I have to sit while they dry so that I don't get nail paint in my hair. If it's really bad, do another coat, or some nail art. It helps me, a little.
I don't think this post is very coherent. It probably isn't easy to read. It was horrific to write, and I don't have it in me to go back and ensure what I said make sense.
Goodbye for now, please don't leave me. I try not to be crazy.
Bella xx
(oh god, you have no idea how scared I am now)
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